Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Verdict Is In, Burress Is Too Dumb to Breed

Everyone once in a while, perfect comedic situations coalesce from the ether as if designed for our amusement. As a country, the United States has been on quite a stupendous run of such singularities. There was a rabidly conservative and borderline racist gasbag getting pinched for an addiction to synthetic heroin; a staunchly anti-homosexual and sitting Senator getting busted in a men's restroom for soliciting gay sex; and a barely literate hockey mom whom I wouldn't trust with a credit card getting tabbed as a Vice Presidential candidate, then given an open mic and thrust into the national spotlight.

Now, we've got Plaxico Burress.

An egotistical, petulant malcontent who gets paid millions of dollars to run and catch, but literally shoots himself in the leg. Of course, it doesn't stop there. He shoots himself while at a Manhattan night club on a weekend during which he's on the shelf with a hurt hamstring.

Anything else?

Oh yeah, it was a .40 caliber Glock that was unlicensed, illegal in the City of New York (his town), and stuck down the FRONT of his pants. That should about do it.

Except it doesn't.

The gun was not only loaded and chambered, it was cocked and ready to fire! And the safety wasn't on! Jesus, you can't be any dumber.

Unless you're Plaxico.

So you've got a loaded, chambered, ready-to-fire hand-cannon stuffed down the front of your pants without the safety on. You fumble the drink you're holding and, instead of letting the totally harmless glass fall, you grab for it. Of course, the semi-automatic (I'm pretty sure Glock doesn't make revolvers and, if it does, I promise OG Burress wasn't holding one) squirts down your leg.

You, of course, grab for the gun.

If it hits hammer first, it might go off, right?

Wrong. Every Glock that I've seen has an internal hammer fall, meaning it's not exposed. Furthermore, Glocks are like the Timex of guns - they're designed for use and to be abused without risk to the owner. You could throw that damn thing against a wall and it wouldn't go off. Pretty much the only way to fire one is by pulling the trigger.

And that's exactly what Einstein did when he grabbed for his gun. He accidentally pulled the trigger and shot himself in the thigh.

I wrote about this right after the incident was announced, but these are all things you simply do not do if you have oxygen flowing to your cerebral cortex. Plaxico made about a billion cardinal sins that any dimwit gun-owner would never make.

Seriously, you simply cannot understand how utterly terrifying a .40 caliber gun is until you shoot one. And he had a loaded, chambered, cocked, and unsaftied .40 cal down the front of his pants.

It will be a while before I get over that.

Obviously, a person cannot be any dumber. There is just no possible way, it would take negative brain cells.

Oh, but Plaxico is not mere mortal. And he has a formidable ally in foolishness: Drew Rosenhaus. One would have to assume they gave the go-ahead to the National Football League Player Association's grievance that was just filed.

That's right folks, the man shoots himself in the mother of all metaphors and decides he wants some of his scrilla back. See, it's not fair that he was suspended and fined.

This is a man who would be in jail if he weren't a New York Giant. This is a man's whose monumental mental retardation just cost his team an important divisional game as they come down the stretch. This is a man who was out partying when he was allegedly injured.

And he conspires with his slimeball, sleazebag agent to decide it's the appropriate time and course of action to file a grievance. To get some of that hard-earned money back before it's taken.

They're gonna file another if further payments are withheld.

On second thought, this isn't a man at all. As Grey Ghost so eloquently put it, this is a child in a man's body. And a stupid, spoiled child at that.

Yep, Plaxico Burress is definitely too dumb to breed. Had he been a little less fortunate, he would have proven it himself.

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